That's ancient history
by seriouslymilady
Summary: A parody based on Greek myth of Ariadne (one-shot in two parts). Caroline, left by her beloved on the Island of Naxos, tells her story to the charming Klaus, not knowing that he is in fact a God.


**A/N: Hi everyone! And welcome to the first part of this one shot! Just a little story idea popped into my head one day. I'm not entirely confident in my writing skills, but hopefully this is okay because I had fun writing it. And I'd be much obliged if you'd leave some reviews/comments/thoughts/words of wisdom for me at the end... You know you want to... (I'm now exercising my mind powers on you...). **

**Thanks to venomandchampagne, klovec, masteroo and hybridlicious for their awesome help betaing, and thanks to lovingaaronramsey for her advice. **

**Disclaimer one: This story is a **_**PARODY**_** based on Greek myth of Ariadne. So Caroline is Ariadne, Tyler is Theseus, and of course Klaus is Dionysus.**

**Disclaimer two: JP and CW owns everything but this plot...I doubt she'd write something so crazy, so I own what goes on in my head! **

**THAT'S ANCIENT HISTORY**

They call me Caroline, the one with the stunning smile. I think I really have a beautiful laugh, it's quite infectious, since whenever I smile, so do others.

I'm Bill Forbes' daughter who, as well as having the vice of men, had the great idea of promising to sacrifice a pure white bull to Poseidon. And my mother is Liz, she built the wooden cow, and inside it, she mated with the bull ― yeah, the one my dad promised Poseidon. You see, I try either to laugh it off, or I might as well lock myself in the labyrinth, and feed myself to my brother.

Among the victims of the labyrinth that my father had built to keep my stepbrother, there are: my stepbrother, he has a bull's head ― poor guy, he never asked for this fate, nor to eat human flesh ―poor creepy guy. Daedalus, the skillful craftsman, with his son Icarus, to whom my father entrusted the labyrinth project and then being the good person and human king he is, left them locked up.

A rather large number of Athenian boys and girls broke; my heart and damaged my reputation. I took notice of my poor broken heart the day I woke up on a beach, and realized that Tyler and his pack ― they were his companions but, seriously, they look like a wolf pack! ― snuck off overnight leaving me alone. At first I couldn't believe it. I thought they had gone to restock, but as the hours passed, the wagon of the sun god just about finished his work and I had to face facts: the man whom I gave my soul, heart and virtue to had just left me.

He didn't want to be the love of my life.

I laughed at the absurdity of the situation. Then I cried because I had no idea what to do. So then, I shook myself off and I went in search of water and fruit in the clearing where we had been the previous day. Then I realized that with my beautiful blue tunic, my hair was now ruffled and messy, I looked a naive servant seduced and abandoned… I broke in tears again until I fell asleep with eyes red and puffy.

I woke up in the midst of a cacophony of cymbals, flutes and loud voices. A crowd of people were coming into the clearing, women and men half-naked with thyrsus in their hands, on their heads were wreaths of ivy leaves and grapes. I found myself paralyzed in the face of them, like a gazelle before the lion. Well, now they will take me, rape me and tear what's left of my young body into a million pieces, or so I thought. When you think it cannot get any worse... well, you would have a limited imagination then.

Anyway, not one of them seemed to tear me to shreds, thanks to Zeus. The first to approach me was a young man with dirty blonde curly hair with a wolfish smile, wearing a short white tunic that showed his stunning body ― very pleasant to the eye. Or excuse my language, "a hot piece of ass." .Zeus.

"And who are you, sweetheart?" he said looking at me with his eyes blue like the kingdom of Poseidon. "How did you come to Naxos? Were you born from sea foam like Aphrodite?"

Like Aphrodite? Seriously? Oh what a sweet talker!

I shook my head. I tried to put together an answer, but I always ended up with sentences like_ "I was left here by the man I love" _or _"The man I love didn't want to be the love of my life, so..."_ which made me sound alone and hopeless. I mean, if they wanted to hurt me, they could easily do so and no one will hear my cries for help.

The guy with the wolfish smile came up to me after a bit. "You're not afraid we'll do things like dismember you and devour you, are you? Easy sweetheart, I like to eat the girls in a different way, if you know what I mean," he laughed, winking at me. I wondered if that was supposed to calm me down. If I had not been so scared, I would've burst out laughing.

"I'm Caroline from Crete, daughter of King William Forbes," I introduced myself. I hoped that my father's name would guarantee me some protection, at least until they discovered that anything they could do to me would be nothing compared to what my father would do...

"King Forbes, the one with the Minotaur?" he asked with his big curious eyes.

I felt like laughing. "How many Kings Forbes of Crete are there? Of course that one! Minotaur, the labyrinth, an endless red thread, and women pirouetting on bulls… yeah, he's the only and one."

"The one whose wife fucked a...okay, I understand. So, what are you doing here, little Caroline from Crete?" I was silent again. So he turned smiling to his friends/minions/another pack? "All right guys, I'll speak with the princess while you start to celebrate." The women and men nodded happily, decorating the entire place with tables laden with food and wine pitchers everywhere.

"Celebrate what?" He got close to me, as his gaze grew more intense, as his body touched mine ― his delicious perfectly sculpted body seemed to be born to bring women to ecstasy of pleasure. Well, I'll be goddamned but my thoughts became impure and hot such as those of Maenads.

"Do we really need a reason to celebrate, sweetheart?" he whispered, as one of his hands lifted to lightly caress my cheek and I leaned into his touch. "First of all, Caroline from Crete, don't worry, no one will hurt you. I swear by all my family, all but my little brother Kol, he's a big pain in the ass," he said taking my hand and leading me towards the big white tent isolated from the party.

It seemed used for a private banquet. There were big draped sofas to the sides of the room; in the middle, a small table with baskets overflowing with fruit and silver pitchers filled with wine; on the floor, there were beautiful rugs of many colors. "Come on love," he said not dropping my hand. We sat on one of the large sofas. "Now that we're more comfortable, can I ask what brings you to the island of Naxos, sweetheart?"

Seriously, what was I supposed to do? I was sitting next to a handsome man ― and he had some fixation with my hand, because he had not let it go even for a second. Even now, he was busy tracing slow, gentle caresses on the back of it ― and the grapes looked delicious. I tried to trust him because every lie that came into my mind was far-fetched, just the same as reality. "A prince of Athens brought me here, and before you ask me, he's no longer at my side."

Again that devilish smirk.

"Well love, now I'm really curious . Do you want something to eat, while you tell me how you went from living with a Minotaur to hanging with an Athenian?"

"This is not the place for a princess. I don't feel comfortable," I said smiling, as he continued to play with my hand.

I was shamelessly flirting with him.

He plucked a grape from his garland and placed it between my fingers, guiding the hand to my mouth. My skin was burning up.

"But here you are not a princess, sweetheart. Nothing prevents you from joining my friends and me, not that princesses do not do it. So tell me about this story of Athenians and minotaur's, Caroline from Crete."

I was going to tell when he interrupted me.

"Friends!" he called the people outside of the tent were dancing and having fun, all this looked like a Dionysian rite. "Where are the glasses? I have here a princess with me, for my father's sake!" He exclaimed loudly. Immediately someone gave us glasses full of wine.

"Now we're talking! Great!" He emptied half his glass with a blissful expression. "You don't drink, sweetheart?" I declined. " Ah, I would be a bad host, love. I cannot just let you speak with a dry throat."

Thinking I offended him, I accepted a sip of wine... and it was really great. Mixed with honey, it was the best wine I ever drank ― and I am the daughter of a king.

Before he asked any more questions or think to take me by force, I began to speak. "So, this is my story: '_LEFT IN THE LURCH'_, tragedy in one act, characters Caroline Forbes, Tyler Lockwood, his friends, the Minotaur, her father, the guys of Athens, choir."

Well, maybe in future I'll change the characters names of my tragedy, I've always loved Ariadne as a name...

He chuckled. "I'm not much for the tragedies, they are sad."

"Oh, but this will make you laugh out loud. Trust me, drink and listen...what's your name?"

Zeus, I was flirting with a man ― of unquestionable beauty, of course ― and I probably would drink too much with him, and I didn't know his name! Slut and shallow ― Tyler's mates were right, I thought sadly.

"Don't be sad, love, it's not your fault. Sorry, I should have said my name right away; instead, I immediately incited you to drink. I was really rude," he said sweetly and... seriously how could I not forgive him when he looks at me with those puppy eyes? Oh Zeus, I had little to drink but I felt drunk already. "Call me Klaus, love. It's one of my many names."

Seriously, how many names does he have?

"So Klaus-is-one-of-my-billion-names, drink and listen my story," he gave me an amused gaze, and obeyed sipping his wine. "First act: we are in the palace of King Bill. He is enjoying the tribute that, after a defeat, Athens is obliged to pay him: every nine years Athens city must send seven boys and seven girls given as food for the Minotaur, who was imprisoned in a labyrinth from which it's impossible to escape. Caroline, King's daughter, considered this custom abhorrent, but King Bill didn't care what his daughter thought, let's say he was more interested in staring at the meat swords of his soldiers."

He gulped. He chose the wrong time to drink his wine. "Meat swords?" I saw him coughing seized with a fit of laughter.

Great, I became a clown. At this point, I did not know whether I wanted to seduce him or if I wanted to be his jester. "Well, I could say throbbing members, but you know I wanted to stay in theme with soldiers," I replied simply, still smiling slightly, while he was drinking, amused. "So, the King had built a labyrinth where he shut in the Minotaur…"

"Wait a minute, the labyrinth is the one from which Daedalus and Icarus ran away constructing wax wings, right?" Klaus interrupted me and put his hand in the air ― yes, the other is still playing with mine ― to stop me from going any further.

I gave him a surprised gaze. "I didn't know that they are safe, I'm really glad to hear this news. I thought they had been eaten!"

"Only Daedalus survived. Icarus wanted to fly too high, the wax of his wings melted and he fell into the sea. Moron," he had a sip of wine. "You were saying there are these fourteen guys before the king, and a princess with a gentle heart. Then?" he demanded and pulled a grape from one of the bunches of his garland and put it in my mouth.

I felt my lips burning from his touch while I swallowed without chewing.

My Zeus, it would be a long night.

"Then, the princess with a gentle heart looked carefully at a boy in particular. You know, if a brave man pretends to be scared, he can trick someone like my father, but not a woman. There was fire in his black eyes... Well, and under his clothes, you could have guessed the physique is worth medals. Caroline wanted to talk to him."

"Here, you women are always like that: you see an anointed and muscular guy and you immediately lose your head!"

"And you men lose yours for a smile and the view of a white breast. So, you see we are all in the same ship that will surely sink, since it's filled with fools!"

He burst out a big, fat laugh. "Yeah, all there to show muscles and breasts and no one at the helm, sail or oars!" he quipped. "And what did Caroline do? She showed her white breast to the muscular Athenian with poor acting skills?"

Thinking in such a way of Tyler hit me like a bucketful of cold water straight to my face. I was starting to think that maybe I had idealized Tyler a bit too much without knowing him enough. I had never been in love, and I was not ready for his deception. I was grateful to this guy that made me talk about him. It seemed as if the memory of my first love, broken heart, was dispersing in the wind ―

― I heard the choir in my head saying _"Why are you over Tyler so quickly?"_ Yeah, it was so soon, maybe because the wine… or maybe not. Maybe he was the biggest asswhole and I just wanted to forget him.

"Caroline would do it later. She waited for the night and full of initiative but little originality, she disguised herself as a handmaid and she went to the young man. She asked him who he was and he said Tyler Lockwood, Richard's son, the King of Athens. He could no longer bear to see the youth of his people sent to die to pay tribute to a cruel King, so he was working undercover with his mates to kill the Minotaur or to die in the endeavor. Caroline, hearing of a prince prepared to spend his life to help his people, thought he was more a noble than a King."

"Okay love, Tyler is noble and magnanimous, but please... he reveals his task and his identity to the first he sees? Admit that he acted like a complete moron, how did he know you would not have run to report him to the King?"

"Truth to be told, I smiled and also blinked like crazy, and my handmaid clothes were pretty close to my body," I admitted shrugging. "A woman doesn't appear before a man she likes without making him pay attention to her body."

"And we go back on the ship of fools! Getting on board!"

"And they boarded, Caroline first. In fact, she revealed to the stranger, who had taken her hands in his, looking into her eyes with a gaze full of passion while he told her his plan, that she was the King's daughter. Then she begged him to abandon this endeavor, of course he could kill the Minotaur, but then he never would have found his way out of the labyrinth."

"Let me guess: instead of saying _'Shit, I'm fucked!',_ the noble Tyler with darting biceps gave Caroline a black gaze like the Tartar, and he said something like _'It doesn't matter, if Fate decided this so it will be. I won't shirk myself from this task'_ and at this point the princess with the stunning smile melts like wax and gives herself to the muscular hero again and again and in different manners? Am I wrong?"

I should have blushed or been angry, or even burst into tears… But I laughed. I really laughed and Klaus joined with me, while a guy freshened up our wine and also delivered us a bowl of olives. "You are wrong about only one thing: it wasn't in different manners but in one single position. I had never done it before," I took an olive, I was hungry. " Of course I fell in love with him, and of course I thought he was in love with me. So, when I was back in my room, I wondered to to myself how I could help him and his mission."

As I devoured one olive after another, he made them bring also honey and some buns. In the meantime, the night reigned on the island, and the dances outside of our tent became more... well, let's say wild. This was going to be worse than ever, I thought. I was stuck in some Dionysian orgy. Klaus sighed in exasperation, and went out of the tent screaming: "What did I say before, animals! I'm talking to a princess, for my father's sake! If you want to bang, do it far away from here!" He looked at me embarrassed, mortified. "Forgive these idiots, love." I nodded. "By all means, carry on... I'm curious to know what happened to the princess with the stunning smile." he whispered back huskily.

"The princess with the stunning smile, I like that name, thank you," He lifted the wine cup. "The princess knew she could do nothing for the fight as it was men's affairs and she didn't know much about it. She had faith in Tyler. But the labyrinths... oh these are women's affairs! All men sooner or later are lost in a labyrinth, but women are adept at leaving traces to help their men to get out of it. So, Caroline just had to ensure that Tyler travelled back along the same road. She shot a glance at a spindle, and the answer was simple! She took the rest of the night to spin and spin." I stared at him smiling. He had stopped eating and looked at me as a child, taken by the story. I soaked a piece of flat bread in honey.

"Spinning? The princess gave her beloved with frighteningly chiseled good looks a soft wool tunic so he doesn't get cold from the dampness in the labyrinth?" I raised my eyes while I was chewing my flat bread. He picked up a honey drop left on the corner of my mouth with a finger and put it to his lips. I decided to blame the heat wave that had just attacked my body on the wine.

"You understand that the labyrinths are women's affairs, as well as spinning? The day after Caroline waited for Tyler in front of the doors to the labyrinth, she had spent the whole night spinning a long red thread then wrapping it into a ball. She gave it to her lover who looked at her puzzled. _'Unroll it as you go ahead into the labyrinth, and when you find and kill the Minotaur, follow it to find the exit.'_ she said. So Tyler kissed the princess and into the maze he went found the Minotaur and killed him; then he followed the wire finding the way back. Outside the labyrinth, Caroline waited for him with a big smile."

"Wait, wait, and wait! That's no good, sweetheart: _'He found and killed the Minotaur?'_ where is pathos? Where is blood? You should say something like: the terrible monster rose up mooing against Tyler. Our hero all greasy did a graceful somersault, so perfect that he would surely have won an award in the Olympic Games, he dodged Minotaur's horns and landed on its neck, and he cut its throat. The monster's corpse dropped on the ground like an enormous stone, and Tyler again and again raged against the dead body. The hero's mates burst into a victory roar while Tyler fully covered by blood, though not his own, cut the monster's horns to make... whatever quite exaggerated thing you could do with a bull's horns. Thereafter, the group could go out of the labyrinth thanks to the wire of Caroline. When she saw her beloved covered by blood, she turned pale but the Prince reassured her. Then he took her in his arms and ravished her in front of everyone, again and again and in all manners."

Meanwhile, I was finished with the flat bread, and drunk sips of wine. I mean, I was thirsty and there was nothing else to drink. "Seriously, he found the Minotaur and killed him is more than enough for him, trust me. He found the monster asleep, and killed it in its sleep." Klaus, who had just taken the glass and was drinking in big swigs, exploded in a burst of uncontrolled laughter spraying wine everywhere. Fortunately he managed to turn his head in time to not spit on me, but he risked choking on his drink. Looking at him, I couldn't keep a straight face.

"Caroline love," he started, still laughing. "You were right. This is the most comical tragedy I've ever heard! The great hero, the man of the enormous deltoid, who kills the monster while it's sleeping? You might as well have gone yourself into the labyrinth!"

Seriously, Klaus was saying things to make me want to forget about the image of Tyler, and we weren't even a quarter of the way through the night. I still tried to defend the pieces of my love, but I was vaguely aware that if ever I saw Tyler again, I'd probably burst out laughing in his face. "But he was ready to fight, he could have easily found it awake... It's just that he found it sleeping. That was better, right?"

He kept laughing. "He cursed the fact that there were thirteen people with him. I bet if he were alone, he would have said there were actually four Minotaur's and he beat them by just using an olive and a copper wire! What an impression he has given killing a sleeping monster!"

"But I was so relieved when I heard of it! Also because I had been so scared seeing the little blood he had on him, the found out it was not his own."

"Well, then we are at the point where the brave Tyler gets out of the labyrinth and ravishes the princess..."

" No, he didn't ravish the princess in front of everyone or the way you say. He kissed the princess, and most probably during the euphoria of the moment, he professed not only his eternal gratitude to her but also his eternal love. At that point, the princess had fallen in love, and you must remember that Caroline betrayed her country and her father the King; moreover,aid there were actually for Minotaur' she gave also her purity to the stranger. So, smiling a lot, and accidentally letting slip the strap of her tunic, Caroline convinces Tyler to take her with him to Athens."

"And here, I think, we are at a crucial point. What did you do, sweet Caroline, to make the hero with raging legs go away?"

"Honestly Klaus? I don't know. The princess was in that ship for a few days, and she was really happy. And before you ask, yes, she gave herself to Tyler."

"In all manners? And, tell me love, our man of bronze buttocks had a member adapted of the caliber of a legendary hero or he had something more deserving of someone killing monsters while they sleep?"

I didn't get why his words instead of upset me caused me to laugh. Maybe because I liked the smile that never left his face and also the mischievous gaze in his blue eyes_ ― _or maybe, after you betrayed your father and left your home, your immorality has no more limits, I thought. "I've no experience in lovemaking, I don't know how many ways there are and, of course, I don't know what's the right size of a hero's member." I tried in vain to finish that embarrassing discussion.

He dipped his finger in the golden honey and spread it brazenly on my lips. Equally brazenly ― it must have been all the talk of members and love things ― I sucked at his finger. Klaus gave me such a look that I had to close my eyes for a moment. Why was this guy able to affect me like this? The more I looked at him, the more I wanted to undress and make love with him in all ways, most of which I've never heard, again and again. I had known him for less than twenty four hours and I was already ready to fall for him.

"I'll teach you love things, sweet Caroline," his voice was low and deep, and his mouth red like a pulpy strawberry brushed against my ear.

This time it was my turn to dip my finger in honey and to stroke his lips. When his tongue touched my skin, I was filled with warmth that spread throughout my entire body, stopping just between my legs. I looked at him, the blush erupting in full fury on my face, as I shamelessly said: "Love things? Oh no Klaus, you can teach me how to make love, but it is the women who teach men to love."

**About mythology:**

*****Thyrsus: a wand or staff of giant fennel (ferula communis) covered with ivy vines and leaves

*Maenads: the female followers of Dionysus. Often they were portrayed into a state of ecstatic frenzy, through a combination of dancing and intoxication.

*****Pathos means suffering or experience, and represents an appeal to the audience's emotions.

*****There are many different versions about the death of the Minotaur

*****Theseus was a brave man but he was also full of crap because first he leaves Ariadne and the he marries her sister Phedre.

*****Curiosity: the sentence "left in the lurch" in Italian is "lasciata in asso". The Italian sentence originated with "lasciata a Nasso" (left to Naxos), where Ariadne was abandoned.

**The second part is going to be very very M.**

**N/A: So? Like it? Don't like it? Love or hate it? Leave a review, please, and I'll love you forever... until I forget LOL**

**You can follow me on tumblr at seriouslymilady**

― **Giorgia.**


End file.
